No Fats, No Fems: the Gay Masculine Ideal

No Fats, No Fems: The Gay Masculine Ideal
John A. Lewis, Jr.
The idea of gay masculinity seems absurd to many in the dominant heterosexual world. Common stereotypes portray homosexual men as devoid of masculine characteristics (McDiarmid). Many conclude that masculinity exists in opposition to femininity, and because gay men are not sexually attracted to women, then they cannot be masculine. The flamboyant, fabulous, and feminine sissy is a popular caricature of the gay man in television and film. Likewise, the quiet, asexual gay man is popular because he does not make straight men uncomfortable with the fact that he enjoys sex with other men. Jack McFarland, the best known character of the television sit-com, Will and Grace, falls into the former category. His character is loud, silly, irresponsible, and the epitome of the classic effeminate gay man. Will’s character, on the other hand, is attractive, smart, professional, and practically asexual. One can imagine his relationship with his best friend, Grace, as having more romantic potential then he has with another man. But most gay men despise those depictions. Their lives are vastly different, and more fulfilling, than either man’s character on the television show.
Gay men are part of a subculture; and subcultures often see themselves in a different way than the over-culture’s view of them. Homosexual men are no exception, and have developed their own definitions of masculine identity. Not surprisingly, men-who-love-men can be just as judgmental as the heterosexual world that judges them. Visit, if you dare, any online gay dating site, and you will find guys in search of str8-acting (straight-acting) men; and most ads conclude with the popular phrase: No fats, No fems. Gay men tend to be straight-forward, no pun intended, when describing what they are looking for in a short-term boyfriend, long-term partner, or fuck buddy: a relationship where the parties are sexually compatible, but have little to nothing else in common. It can be argued that gay men’s attitudes regarding masculinity are influenced by society, or from childhood experiences. Ultimately, the most important thing that matters to gay men is what other gay men think of them. They are constantly attempting to meet the complex criteria of the gay masculine ideal: a handsome face; strong, muscular body; a manly demeanor; and hyper-sexual without being sluttish.
First, it would be foolish of me to write about a subject that I know nothing about. Suffice it is to say that I have personal experience as part of the gay subculture. The trajectory of a gay man’s life can be summarized as follows: As soon as an adolescent boy realizes that he is sexually attracted to the same sex, his journey to becoming a complete, gay man begins. He quickly learns that his youth is his greatest asset. A young gay man is considered a prize in the eyes of other gay men, young and old. During his late teenage years, and during the first few years of his twenties, the openly gay man usually has no problem establishing friendships, and thoroughly exploring his sexuality. However, the bloom of gay youth quickly fades as he reaches his mid-twenties. At this point, he must make the transition into a mature gay man. It is during this metamorphosis that he discovers how to remain desirable as he inevitably ages. Gay men wage a constant battle against time. They refuse to “go gentle into that good night” (Thomas line 1). Gay men are far more conscious of their bodies than their straight counterparts.
Gym memberships are regarded as necessary. Diet sodas, low calorie food, and frequent facials are weapons against age. Usually, by the quarter-century mark, the gay man focuses his powers on achieving the gay masculine ideal by a plethora of methods.
Twentieth-century artists provided a template for the image of the ideal gay man. Tom of Finland, born Touko Laaksonen in Finland, was a famous homoerotic fetish artist. His pencil drawings depict ruggedly-handsome men, bulging with muscles, brandishing raging erections, and frequently engaged in gay sex (Tom of Finland Foundation). The men illustrated were nearly cartoon-like in the exaggeration of their male physical attributes. Tom of Finland never drew girlish men. Although marginally appreciated by mainstream artists, Tom of Finland found avid fans among gay men worldwide. Gay erotic novels frequently featured his art on the covers, and as illustrations of sex scenes described. He influenced the emergence of clones during the 1970's. These were gay men who dressed and behaved as hyper-masculine imitations of heterosexual men. An outstanding example is the disco group, “The Village People,” who were a comic depiction of a cross-section of manly heterosexual men. However, gay men took notice of these examples. Mustaches, flannel shirts, and denim became the favored costume of gay men attempting to appear sexy and distinctly masculine. They mastered the walk of the straight man, propelling themselves with their shoulders and arms without the feminine swivel of the hips. Another influential artist, whose work was more widely accepted by mainstream art, was Robert Mapplethorpe. His homoerotic photography features “an emphasis on classical formal beauty” (The Robert Mapplethorpe Foundation). Most of his models are unusually beautiful men with bodies similar to those represented by Greek sculptors. The overall effect was cyclical. Gay men imitated the masculinity displayed in homoerotic art; and the artists were fueled by the men they idolized as their ideal of gay masculinity.
Yet, stereotypes are based on truth. It is a fact that some gay men are effeminate. And certainly not all gay men are perfect male physical specimens. Such gay men are victims of the no fats, no fems ideal. These men are double-minorities. They are excluded by heterosexuals because they are so different from so-called normal straight men. Often, they are also ridiculed and shunned by their gay brothers, who deem them unattractive and undesirable. Gay men do not seek out androgynous or obviously effeminate men for intimate relationships. For the majority of gay men, the flamboyant queen is merely a diversion, and provides outrageous entertainment at gay clubs, or is the ultimate hostess at dinner parties, and gay functions. Effeminate and overweight gay men have devised strategies to help them cope with their place on the gay periphery. Some protect themselves with caustic wit, sarcasm, or the façade of being jaded. They live vicariously through the lives of their female icons; usually beautiful, talented, scandalous, or troubled divas: living and dead. Observe the attendance of concerts by Barbra Streisand, Bette Midler, Madonna, or Whitney Houston; and one will find marginalized gay men are the most loyal fans. These coping mechanisms conceal the pain of their rejection because they cannot meet the gay masculine ideal.
The modern heterosexual man is different in this post-feminist era in comparison to the man of the 1950’s. Today’s straight man is more sensitive, and less misogynistic than his father. He is more apt to share household duties with his wife, as well as care for their children. It is valid to question whether gay men will change their perceptions of masculinity. The answer lies in gay youth who are coming out earlier than previous generations. Now, gay youth are more comfortable with their identities. They refuse to hide, or feel ashamed about the sexual aspect of their lives. Gay teens are embracing words to describe themselves that were used by hateful homophobes just twenty years ago. Whitney Houston sang a saccharine-sweet, pop ode to self-love with the opening declaration: “I believe the children are our future” during the mid-1980’s (Masser and Creed). As one of a myriad of female gay icons, she might have been right. Gay youths are the future; and they may reject the gay masculine ideal.

Online Dating Services Can Help The Older Gay Men

Often it becomes really tough for the gay men to find the right partners for themselves because it is not really easy to identify the correct person who thinks in a similar manner. The older gay men are even more in trouble to get the right choice as not too many people are expressive about their feelings.

This is a crude fact in our society that the young and beautiful people are awarded with a lot of opportunities in their lives when it comes to online dating. But the older people reaching the middle age often feel deserted and left alone in this trend of dating.

This discrimination is surely very painful and this is the reason why many older gay men suffer from severe depression due to their loneliness. Here are some tips which can be really helpful if you wish to boost up the dating life of yours.

This is really important to know what exactly you wish to get from your life. Some of the older gay men only like to do dating because they face problem passing time. But some of them are eager to find a partner for a long term relationship and even to get married.

The reason should be absolutely clear to you. If look matter a lot to you then this is better to decide before hand what features are those which you want to get in your dating partner. If you are able to develop a clear view then this becomes really easy to identify the crisis and solve it easily.

This is the commonest problem among the older men. They have a lot of responsibilities to accomplish and because of this they often have to neglect their own requirements and desires. They compromise with others necessities and neglect themselves.

If you are suffering from this problem then this is the time to get rid of this. Be very confident and bold about your thoughts and take every step accordingly. Some of the older gay men also suffer from identity crisis just because they are different from the general crowd. This can create anxiety and depressive phases. Make sure that you are strong enough to cope with these problems.

There are thousands of websites which offer free dating services for the older gay men. You can select one or two from the list and browse through the profiles to find out if they match your requirement or not. If you like those then this can be the right choice for you. But make sure of not leaking out any of your personal information to the online dating partner. Finally defeat your age and stay young by heart which is helpful in getting a good gay partner.

Find Gays at Free Gay Dating Sites

There are many free gay dating sites that offer singles to find gay men online. Many guys found their partners through these dating services. It is so easy and simple to find gay singles online because it is not cost to you. When you are looking for partners at the bars, it is just too expensive. To find gays online, you only need to join these free gay singles dating services. Gay singles should join gay dating sites to find gays or gay friends. A gay man seeking a guy at the bars or nightclubs is the old way. People rarely go to the clubs to find gay singles. Seeking dates online is the new way for gay people and online singles. We have seen many online gay dating services booming on the Internet in the last few years. Many popular gay dating web sites offer 100% free gay dating services which help many online singles to find love and romance without a fee. That's wonderful, isn't it? Online dating services is a good way to find gay friends. Some gay dating services provide free membership for a limited time but some gay dating sites offer free for a life time to the members. There are paid gay dating services that were created long time ago and they charge members a small fee monthly. Popular gay dating services have the amount of joined members to two million and the number of members are going up. We can see how on line gay singles and gay personals like searching for their partners on the Net. The main purpose of online gay dating services is to provide single men and single guys to know each other on Net. Some gay dating services focus on specific area, such as Northern America, UK, Russia, Asia, or Europe regions, and there are gay dating services world-wide. Single men and single boys can meet thru the on line gay dating sites for friendship, relationships, or marriage. On line gay singles, in a moment, can see other gay personal ads in front of computer. Registering a profile takes a few minutes at these gay dating sites and we recommend that you upload your photo to increase your chance in getting more attention from other members. You should post a nice profile to search for gays. The old saying said that one picture worth thousands words which is always true. When a member look at your photo, they will contact you right away if they are interested in your photo, without reading all the information you write on your profile. So, posting your profile with a picture or two photos increase your profile values. Usually, online gay dating services have new members on the homepage, which have newest members with photos. Profiles without pictures are usually not displayed on the front page of these gay dating web sites. Let us put it this way, when you search for a profile, you always look at profiles with pictures at these gay online dating services.

How To Choose A Gay Dating Site

Gay men often find it quite tough to recognize the right partner for themselves. In fact this is not easy to understand whether the person in whom they are taking interest reciprocates his feelings or not. This is the reason why people often approach the wrong person and get hurt or become a subject of mockery.

This is the reason why all the gay men need a way by which they can interact with people with similar mentality but never get humiliated. Gay dating online is the one and only option of finding a partner easily.

There is countless number of online dating sites for the gays which offer the opportunity to meet and chat with other gays online and get to know them better. This can be considered as the safest mode of gay dating compared to the other ways available for this.

Once you start searching the web you will come across few thousands of gay dating sites which claim to the most authentic ones. Now some of them are really good but many are simply worthless. Some of the sites are there which are not very old and this is the reason why do not contain too many profiles.

In order to make up for this they often create fake profiles of numerous gay men and post them on the site. So when you browse through the site and take interest in a particular profile, this can happen that the person does not exist in reality. Sometimes they charge you for the membership and this is where you get cheated easily.

So before registering with any site make sure that this is an authentic one and can be of real help to you. You can also get started with chatting with someone from the posted profiles and find out whether they are offering any free membership or not just to test their genuineness.

How to start dating and proceed with it?

It takes a few minutes to start dating with a person but the short time not enough to understand what kind of a person he is. There are many people who often get hooked up just because they are not patient and smart. This is not at all a good idea to meet the person before having a word with him.

So when you feel that you have found the right partner through the gay online dating services, make sure that you have long conversations with that individual before meeting him in person. Moreover make sure you are not leaking any information on a chat which is sensitive and can be used against you. These are few important tips which you should keep in mind if you really wish to be successful in gay dating.

Advantages And Disadvantages Of Internet Gay Dating

Internet is probably the most effective medium to find out a partner for the gay men. There are numerous gay people who feel that online dating can save them form a lot of embarrassing situations. There are no chances of approaching a wrong person and getting hurt by his comments.

The reason is that you will know this before hand that the person whom you are approaching to be your partner is also a gay and feels the same way. There are numerous sites on the internet which demand that they can help you out with the best profiles and this is how they hook the visitors.

Though some of them are genuine but many are there which are not really authentic and their sole aim is to cheat the customers. Before you sign up with any website for internet dating with gay men, make sure you have made the right choice.

The most important advantage of internet gay dating is that you get the freedom to choose the partner from a number of profiles. Many of the gay men use the internet as a medium to look for their dating mates. So the chances are very high that you will get the right person from this wide choice.

Secondly you can also interact with them for a long time through chats. In fact the chats can act as the best way to know more about the person on the opposite side. But there are disadvantages as well. Many online gay dating sites use the fake profiles to allure the visitors to join their site.

So when you pay for the services and browse through the profiles, it becomes very tough for you to recognize what is real and what is fake. Moreover there are some scammers who will try to take out the secret information from you and use it in a wrongful way to harm you.

How to select the right internet dating for gay men services?

There are few things that you should check out before you settle for a right gay dating service on the internet. You need to make sure whether the internet gay dating service has a copyright or not and if they maintain a privacy policy. The terms and conditions of the website are very important. Go through them before signing up and shelling out money.

Moreover this is very important to understand that the website is easy to explore or not. Some of the sites have too complicated navigation services due to which you might face problem in getting the right partner. So knowing the features is quite important. These are few tips which can prove to be helpful for the gay men trying to get a partner on the internet.

Things That You Should Consider Before Dating Gay Men

Can you tell if somebody is a gay just by looking at him? This is not easy to know somebodys sexual preferences before getting closer to him. This is the reason why many gay men face embarrassing situations after approaching a person who is not a gay. But there are techniques which they can easily use to become successful in dating.

If you have started liking some guy then first of all try and understand whether this person feels the same about you or not. Moreover you can gradually build a friendship with him and get to know him more before you approach him for a relationship.

The other way to find a gay partner is the online dating websites which will help you out with a number of profiles of people who think in the same manner. But there are few things that you need to keep in mind before looking for a partner.

Getting a good and compatible partner is not as easy as it sounds. This can happen that you are dating a gay man who is already into other relationships. They are simply disloyal and these sorts of relationships can only harm you instead of benefiting.

Some of them are sexually inclined to both men and women. They are even more harmful because they will never be trustworthy to you. The chances are very high that you will get hurt badly. Moreover this is not good for you mentally and physically if the partner is disloyal.

This is nit very rare that people will try to mock you for what you are but you need to stand them rudely and confidently. Make sure that you are not at all ashamed of being yourself.
This is what matters a lot when you are looking forward to dating gay men. Finally never let your gay partner dominate you and take advantages from the relationship. This will only leave you completely frustrated after a certain period of time.

Online dating sites for gay men

Some gay men find this very embarrassing to approach someone for dating in person. The online dating websites are meant for them. Here you have the opportunity to browse through a number of profiles and this is how you can choose the correct partner.
Some of the profiles are fake but an authentic site with proper copyright and reasonable terms and conditions will be a great aid for the gay men.

You can chat and have phone conversations with the online dating mate and then proceed to meet him.
But be aware of not disclosing the important private information to a stranger before knowing him well. These are few useful dating tips for the gay men.

The Beauty of Gay Men Personals

Being a gay takes a lot of confidence and respect of one's sex orientation. Homosexuals face a lot challenges in pursuit of their rights. Having a partner is not as easy as you might think. Heterosexuals find it tough so you can imagine what gay men go through. You do not want to approach a person who makes you feel embarrassed or rejected after finding out that you were wrong. He was not gay at all. Using gay men personals is the only avenue to love and happiness in the gay world. If you are gay, the best resource is the gay dating sites because all the members are aware of your sexuality and they are there for the same purpose: To find prospective dates.

Gay men personals can save you a lot of unnecessary embarrassments triggered by people's reactions. Disclosing your sexuality is not an easy thing especially if the person you want to date has no clue. If you have been friends with a person for a long time you get confused on the correct timing of disclosing your intentions. John says that after saying that he loved his friend who for a long time showed compassion to him, he lost him instantly. His friend thought that it was just innocent compassion and he reciprocated all the time and John thought that he was also a gay. The minute he tried to become intimate the friend ran away from his life.

The beauty of using gay men personals over the Internet is that, everybody knows what to expect at what time. If you say that you love adventure and that you are humorous, your partner expects you to do crazy things, go to the extremes and every word you utter to have natural humor. If you say that you love open relationships, a possessive partner will not come on your way. If they know they cannot handle you being away, they will just keep off. Things which are explained out in the profile or personals ad will not be an issue in your gay relationship. People have different opinions concerning your sexual orientation and you do not want to hear their criticism every time you approach them. You can avoid this by choosing homosexual friends who should not be necessarily intimate friends.

Gay men personals will guide you on what you want in a date. If you do not love mountain climbing do not go for a gay man who lives for it. He might be the right size, personality but your companionship might suffer a huge blow. Read the personals ad carefully and take what you can deal with. What you cannot handle might sound cool and classy but you might become a very frustrated person. If you meet a gay man who loves mountaineering, it might be too late to save your heart from a heart break. By the time you realize that mountain climbing is his second name, you might have invested so much of your time and emotions. Gay men personals ads are proper guides to all homosexuals who are ready to have a soul mate.