Authenticity and the Gay Identity

Many years ago, when I worked in education, I spent my summers directing outdoor park district activities for kids. The children would come from the neighborhood to play various games. One year I recall a teenage boy coming to the park with a desire to talk with me. He would attend a youth group at his church (which was located nearby) and then meander over to the park facility. At some point in our conversation, he told me that he was gay and that he felt ashamed as a result his church’s anti-gay sentiment. He felt very alone because he had told no one in his youth group of his sexual orientation. His parents were not informed, and would have been mortified had they known of his gay identity. Each time he came to the park we would talk about his struggles with being gay. Because I had trained student leaders to work with the park kids, I was able to devote some attention to this troubled young man. This was my first exposure in conversing with an individual who professed to be gay. I learned a great deal about a segment of society that played out their lives in agonizing silence.

I learned that gay people, like other minorities, are used to being stereotyped. Those of us who are straight, perceive gays to be effeminate, flamboyant, impulsive and artsy. Most of the gay people I have met do not fit that pattern. They typically feel isolated because their behavioral patterns are actually heterosexual in nature with the exception of their sexual affinity toward others of the same sex.

With the advent of multicultural thinking, gays are beginning to feel more comfortable and accepted. Their level of confidence affects their relationships and style of relating to the world. The acknowledgement of being gay takes supreme courage. The odds have been stacked against those who choose to make their gay identity known. Many adults, now in midlife, are just beginning to acknowledge their true sexual identity. With such exploration comes the awareness that “I feel a stronger sexual connection with those of the same sex.” Such a realization may signal the emergence of terror – “I am not who I pretended to be.”

When you listen to the stories of those who are gay, you get a sense of the conflict and tension they have experienced in their struggle to be authentic. Most have known from an early age that they felt different about their sexual identity. In an attempt to conceal their feelings and behavior, many gays worked feverishly at removing any vestiges of gay traits from their behavior.

Adolescence is a difficult time of turmoil for most youngsters. Add to that the issue of sexual identification and it certainly makes the process of navigating adolescence that much more strenuous. Many schools are afraid to acknowledge their gay students and provide little or no support for those in need. Ideological and political pressures play a role in keeping school administrators and school board members from stepping up to the plate in support for gay youth.

In my professional counseling practice, I have personally witnessed the anguish and conflict experienced by those individuals who have professed to be gay. I have also observed the courage that many patients have demonstrated in the process of emerging from their silence over their sexual orientation. Learning to be authentic is an important component of counseling and to honestly identify one’s sexual identity may be apart of that process.

Although there is little evidence to support its efficacy, many counselors surprisingly continue to espouse reparative treatment for gay clients. Counselors, who many times disguise their intentions, choose to subscribe to the archaic notion that sexual orientation is a learned pattern or choice rather than a lifelong identity. Reparative therapy views the gay individual as disordered and in need of transformation. Generally, counselors who conduct reparative therapy for gays look for deep-seated traumas as a causative factor in the “identity conflict” of those they serve.

Counselors who insist on touting reparative therapy for gays typically maintain their own biases regarding homosexuality. They carry these biases into treatment and negatively affect the self-worth and integrity of those they serve. Their insistence in curing gays creates a climate of self-doubt and defectiveness among those they treat.

Many in the religious community are unable to reconcile their beliefs and faith and are reluctant to identify with those who define themselves as being gay. This fact causes many gays to reject their faith or live in a constant state of religious conflict. Years ago, a friend of mine decided to spend a weekend of solace at a religious retreat center. This was to be a time of isolation and reflection. However, her time quickly took on a new meaning. Gay men from churches throughout the country flew into this retreat center. Many of them were board members, elders, and pastors of their congregations. No one knew of their sexual orientation with the exception of the hundreds of Christian colleagues who met at this retreat center to worship together once a year. Every year, these men got together in the freedom of their true identity and worshiped God. They talked with my friend, expressing their sense of liberation and love for the God they embraced. My friend said it was a moving experience as she was asked to join them in their religious services which were filled with energy and passion.

Denial is a dangerous thing. Those who choose to ignore their true sense of self pay a price for their own personal deception. It takes courage to live with the way things really are. There are pitfalls along the way, but it is more honest and authentic. Those in the gay community have the right to define themselves the way they wish. Unfortunately, for openly gay people, there are consequences for living with an identity they did not choose.

No Fats, No Fems: the Gay Masculine Ideal

No Fats, No Fems: The Gay Masculine Ideal
John A. Lewis, Jr.
The idea of gay masculinity seems absurd to many in the dominant heterosexual world. Common stereotypes portray homosexual men as devoid of masculine characteristics (McDiarmid). Many conclude that masculinity exists in opposition to femininity, and because gay men are not sexually attracted to women, then they cannot be masculine. The flamboyant, fabulous, and feminine sissy is a popular caricature of the gay man in television and film. Likewise, the quiet, asexual gay man is popular because he does not make straight men uncomfortable with the fact that he enjoys sex with other men. Jack McFarland, the best known character of the television sit-com, Will and Grace, falls into the former category. His character is loud, silly, irresponsible, and the epitome of the classic effeminate gay man. Will’s character, on the other hand, is attractive, smart, professional, and practically asexual. One can imagine his relationship with his best friend, Grace, as having more romantic potential then he has with another man. But most gay men despise those depictions. Their lives are vastly different, and more fulfilling, than either man’s character on the television show.
Gay men are part of a subculture; and subcultures often see themselves in a different way than the over-culture’s view of them. Homosexual men are no exception, and have developed their own definitions of masculine identity. Not surprisingly, men-who-love-men can be just as judgmental as the heterosexual world that judges them. Visit, if you dare, any online gay dating site, and you will find guys in search of str8-acting (straight-acting) men; and most ads conclude with the popular phrase: No fats, No fems. Gay men tend to be straight-forward, no pun intended, when describing what they are looking for in a short-term boyfriend, long-term partner, or fuck buddy: a relationship where the parties are sexually compatible, but have little to nothing else in common. It can be argued that gay men’s attitudes regarding masculinity are influenced by society, or from childhood experiences. Ultimately, the most important thing that matters to gay men is what other gay men think of them. They are constantly attempting to meet the complex criteria of the gay masculine ideal: a handsome face; strong, muscular body; a manly demeanor; and hyper-sexual without being sluttish.
First, it would be foolish of me to write about a subject that I know nothing about. Suffice it is to say that I have personal experience as part of the gay subculture. The trajectory of a gay man’s life can be summarized as follows: As soon as an adolescent boy realizes that he is sexually attracted to the same sex, his journey to becoming a complete, gay man begins. He quickly learns that his youth is his greatest asset. A young gay man is considered a prize in the eyes of other gay men, young and old. During his late teenage years, and during the first few years of his twenties, the openly gay man usually has no problem establishing friendships, and thoroughly exploring his sexuality. However, the bloom of gay youth quickly fades as he reaches his mid-twenties. At this point, he must make the transition into a mature gay man. It is during this metamorphosis that he discovers how to remain desirable as he inevitably ages. Gay men wage a constant battle against time. They refuse to “go gentle into that good night” (Thomas line 1). Gay men are far more conscious of their bodies than their straight counterparts.
Gym memberships are regarded as necessary. Diet sodas, low calorie food, and frequent facials are weapons against age. Usually, by the quarter-century mark, the gay man focuses his powers on achieving the gay masculine ideal by a plethora of methods.
Twentieth-century artists provided a template for the image of the ideal gay man. Tom of Finland, born Touko Laaksonen in Finland, was a famous homoerotic fetish artist. His pencil drawings depict ruggedly-handsome men, bulging with muscles, brandishing raging erections, and frequently engaged in gay sex (Tom of Finland Foundation). The men illustrated were nearly cartoon-like in the exaggeration of their male physical attributes. Tom of Finland never drew girlish men. Although marginally appreciated by mainstream artists, Tom of Finland found avid fans among gay men worldwide. Gay erotic novels frequently featured his art on the covers, and as illustrations of sex scenes described. He influenced the emergence of clones during the 1970's. These were gay men who dressed and behaved as hyper-masculine imitations of heterosexual men. An outstanding example is the disco group, “The Village People,” who were a comic depiction of a cross-section of manly heterosexual men. However, gay men took notice of these examples. Mustaches, flannel shirts, and denim became the favored costume of gay men attempting to appear sexy and distinctly masculine. They mastered the walk of the straight man, propelling themselves with their shoulders and arms without the feminine swivel of the hips. Another influential artist, whose work was more widely accepted by mainstream art, was Robert Mapplethorpe. His homoerotic photography features “an emphasis on classical formal beauty” (The Robert Mapplethorpe Foundation). Most of his models are unusually beautiful men with bodies similar to those represented by Greek sculptors. The overall effect was cyclical. Gay men imitated the masculinity displayed in homoerotic art; and the artists were fueled by the men they idolized as their ideal of gay masculinity.
Yet, stereotypes are based on truth. It is a fact that some gay men are effeminate. And certainly not all gay men are perfect male physical specimens. Such gay men are victims of the no fats, no fems ideal. These men are double-minorities. They are excluded by heterosexuals because they are so different from so-called normal straight men. Often, they are also ridiculed and shunned by their gay brothers, who deem them unattractive and undesirable. Gay men do not seek out androgynous or obviously effeminate men for intimate relationships. For the majority of gay men, the flamboyant queen is merely a diversion, and provides outrageous entertainment at gay clubs, or is the ultimate hostess at dinner parties, and gay functions. Effeminate and overweight gay men have devised strategies to help them cope with their place on the gay periphery. Some protect themselves with caustic wit, sarcasm, or the façade of being jaded. They live vicariously through the lives of their female icons; usually beautiful, talented, scandalous, or troubled divas: living and dead. Observe the attendance of concerts by Barbra Streisand, Bette Midler, Madonna, or Whitney Houston; and one will find marginalized gay men are the most loyal fans. These coping mechanisms conceal the pain of their rejection because they cannot meet the gay masculine ideal.
The modern heterosexual man is different in this post-feminist era in comparison to the man of the 1950’s. Today’s straight man is more sensitive, and less misogynistic than his father. He is more apt to share household duties with his wife, as well as care for their children. It is valid to question whether gay men will change their perceptions of masculinity. The answer lies in gay youth who are coming out earlier than previous generations. Now, gay youth are more comfortable with their identities. They refuse to hide, or feel ashamed about the sexual aspect of their lives. Gay teens are embracing words to describe themselves that were used by hateful homophobes just twenty years ago. Whitney Houston sang a saccharine-sweet, pop ode to self-love with the opening declaration: “I believe the children are our future” during the mid-1980’s (Masser and Creed). As one of a myriad of female gay icons, she might have been right. Gay youths are the future; and they may reject the gay masculine ideal.